Monday, September 13, 2010

It is the eve of my 50th Year since birth...

I remember turning 25 years old and having a rough go of it. Feeling I was so old and had nothing to show for 25 years of life. Back then I looked at material things as wealth, that if I was still in college, hadn't bought a real solid home and made roots... OK, I bought a couple trailers by then but to me that didn't count. I was taken into a depression I didn't share with anyone. The good part of me is that I can kick myself harder than anyone else. When I got that kick, I moved forward. Back 25 years ago I was conflicted in faith, I was young, three small children, a dead beat man dragging me by my shirt tails and I needed a good hard kick. I had been to college many years by this time spinning from one direction to the other not understanding why my life remained so out of control when in my vision I was doing everything to rise above..

In my 27th year of life yes, I am slow at moving forward yet moving forward always... I sought out Catholic Social services in Peoria, Illinois where I met with a personal therapist and poured my heart out for me, not because someone told me to go, not because I was made to go, because I chose to go... I remember a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders that moment I went through that door even before I exposed my soul to this stranger. I knew that I had aloud my savior the one I believe in to have hold of my heart, take me where ever I needed to be to have a better life. I knew this did not mean any more college, I knew it had nothing to do with finding the right man, it had to do with my belief system, me, who I am and what I am about. I needed to put faith back into my life. This never has meant that I needed to belong to a building a church because I knew from the power inside me that I was connected personally which had nothing to do with other humans or any building nor group. SO I took the biggest leap of faith and left my life as I knew it and traveled as far away as one could (almost) and here I am

almost 25 more years have passed and not one of those feelings of not good enough, not having enough, not doing enough are within me. I live each day with faith filled love within myself, it pours out to the people around me that choose to invite that part of who they are in. I do not get stuck on those who choose not to, I know they have their own journey to bare. This is me, it is who I am and I am 50 years of life proud. Could I have done more, been more, had more....who cares because more does not bring happiness if it not meant to be... For me happiness is more.